Elf Army
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: CRACKFIC! Oliver finds out what his name means, so uses it to his advantage for a game of Quidditch. But what hilarity ensues? R


**So, no matter **_**how**_** many characters names I searched, nothing **_**really**_** weird and wacky came up, so I had to resort to reusing Oliver.**

**I hope that this is as funny as Elf Army for MV… but , of course, it's gonna be different. As there aren't really any vampires in this series with conflicting love interests and murders and stuff…**

**Yeah… I don't own anything.**

**Enjoy… **

**Oh yeah… for Vitzy, misswhiteblack, ChoChang4eva (happy belated bday) and any other person I may or may not have promised a HP crackfic for…**

* * *

*_set sometime before the end of book 3 as Oliver Wood is in it*_

Oliver sits in detention with his fifty four remaining 'friends' and feeds them chocolate cake, sighing as he realises he may never have freedom again. And this is how it happens…

…

Harry and the Weasley twins walk into the changing room for the wonderful Quidditch practise they face today.

"How many times do you think he's going to say, _we need to beat them_?" George asks his twin, a groan evident in his voice.

"About as many times as he is going to show us the squiggly line map things that only he knows what it is talking about," Fred answers, hitting his head with his broomstick that really _has_ seen better days. This, of course, is a direct comparison to Harry's perfect Firebolt… but that's another story.

"I think that he's going to finally bring out about the fact that he and Katie are getting it on and try and get us all to use that fact to distract the opposition," Harry throws in with a grin, causing the two Weasley twins to stop and stare at him in shock.

"Wood and _Katie_?" Fred confirms, his eyebrows raised in disbelief. "Jeez, George, why didn't we _see_ this before?" he continues, shocked that they have missed something to rag Oliver about.

"Um, because you've spent the majority of the past five years mooning over Angelina and wondering when you're gonna ask her out?" George answers with a grin, causing Fred to grimace.

"Ask who out?" Angelina, predictably because the author felt like it, pops up from nowhere and asks, causing all three boys to jump about five feet into the air. "Now, _why_ couldn't you do that when we have to get on our brooms, rather than spend five minutes trying to get in the air?" she shoots out in regards to the reaction they have.

"Um… well…you see, this is more of a surprise that Angelina has come over and is talking to us type of jump," George waffles on, wondering whether or not he should broach Fred's love for her. "Now, did _you_ know about Katie and Oliver?" he asks and she grins, nodding.

"Well, yeah, it's pretty obvious, isn't it?" she laughs lightly. "I hear even _Ron_ figured it out, so if it's taken you this lo- you didn't realise did you?" she pieces together Harry's face of happiness with the abashed looks on both the twins faces.

"Do you think we can mess with them?" George dodges the bullet, so to speak, and deigned not to answer this question, simply asking another.

She shakes her head and her smile fades. "No, you see, _we_ have to focus on Quidditch… maybe later, but not for a few weeks," she decides, prophesising herself in six months time.

Then she walks off and leaves the three boys stood halfway between the castle and the changing rooms, utterly shocked. "She is _so_ going to be a slave driver if she gets captain next year," George mutters, beginning to scurry on towards the changing room.

…

"Now, _this_ is strange," Harry muses as he sits in the Gryffindor changing room, waiting for Oliver. Normally, they would have already been forced to sit through forty minutes of Oliver's planning and techniques, but he just told them to 'stay in here until he is ready', forty minutes ago…

… how peculiar.

So, of course, the only thing that Fred and George have done is tease Katie about the fact that she has been dating Oliver for however long, whilst Angelina has painted her nails for the fourth time (she keeps screwing it up) and Alicia has just caught up on her sleep… Harry, meanwhile, has had his potions essay out and has attempted to complete it…

"Harry, since when did _you_ turn into Hermione?" George scoffs, looking over at the hardworking boy in the corner.

"Excuse me?" Hermione says, shocked, as she stands in the doorway to the changing room, Ron beside her. "Oliver says it is time for you all to come out now so he sent me off to fetch you whilst he… prepares for his grand entrance," she purses her lips, evidently not happy about what is going on.

"What is it?" everyone clamours to know but she shakes her head, stalking off away from the changing rooms with Ron to sit back in the stands. Ron, however, turns round and gives all the players thumbs up, which isn't exactly helpful in the whole 'finding out what is going on' stakes…

Still, they all head out onto the field, their brooms in their hands as they wait for Oliver Wood to come back from wherever he decided to head to.

"Now, I propose that we all hex him for making us get up _this_ early, just to have been sat around," Fred proposes, and even the girls agree, all of them pulling their wands out to either hex or just scare Oliver… the final decision is yet to be made…

… however, this idea is _entirely_ blown out of the water when Oliver blows a trumpet and begins to walk over a hill… the head of about one hundred elves.

Row after row of elves follow their master over the peak, not exactly happy about doing this but being paid enough that a high probability of death sort of cancels itself out with the high cheque… though they won't be able to spend it.

The six Quidditch players on the field are stunned at the appearance of Oliver with this army of elves, so stunned that they all drop their wands to the floor in shock, unable to hex Oliver.

"Oliver?" Katie chokes out as he nears them, a huge smile on his face. "Oliver, what the _hell_ is this?" she asks, shaking her head in horror at the reams of elves in the playing field.

"This, my fellow Gryffindors," he announces, "is my secret weapon… elves!"

"I think he's finally lost it," Angelina whispers to Fred who nods in grim agreement. "Oliver, you _cannot_ use elves in a Quidditch match!" she raises her voice and yells this to the Oliver standing thirty metres in front of her.

He shakes his head and motions for his elves to surround him, showing just how small they are… they aren't house elves, no, but they aren't goblins either… nobody recognises them from Care of Magical Creatures, which probably shows that they're really rare and that Oliver could have committed some crimes to get them.

"Yes, yes we can!" he shoots back, producing a booklet which can just be made out to say Quidditch rules on the front. "According to this, the use of magical creatures is _not_ illegal for it is not mentioned and rule number one thousand four hundred and seventy two says that if something is not mentioned in the rules, it is automatically acceptable… so _hah_!" he continues, having memorised his little speech about how which rule said that he can do this.

"Wait… you read through almost fifteen hundred rules just to find _that_?" Katie confirms, disbelief that her boyfriend has been spending time doing that evident in her voice.

"Actually, I read like all three thousand rules because I had to make sure that the creatures weren't mentioned later on," Oliver simply digs himself deeper into the hole rather than simply responding. "But there isn't anything wrong with that! I'm doing it for the team!" he continues, trying to get the team onside to use the elves.

"So how do they help?" George asks, eyeing up the midgets with a glean in his eye… he probably wants their blood so that he and Fred can develop a 'shrinking' sweet to sell to the world so that they can escape from situations without having to get stuck in the bathroom window. It's always _so awkward_ when you're trying to escape and then you get stuck and someone comes in the bathroom and finds you… they never show you that on the Muggle TV shows but Fred has had first hand experience in The Three Broomsticks… it's a good thing that the girl moved to Beauxbatons because otherwise the past two years would have been really, _really_ awkward.

"Well, we like have them on the back of our brooms – some of them can fly – and then we throw them at the opposite team," Oliver explains, causing some of the elves to shudder at the thought of this.

The girls all gasp in horror for the poor elves whilst the boys whistle and holler that this is a _brilliant _idea and we are _sure_ to beat the other team…

"Wait…Oliver, how did you think of this?" Fred asks, hoping that this wasn't the product of some kinky dream because he doesn't want to be part of playing out Oliver's dirty thoughts.

Oliver looks abashed for a second before grinning. "Well, I went home for the holidays and I went on the internet and searched my name to find my name, in German, means elf army… so I contemplated how to use this information before deciding that throwing the army at the opposition would mean we win!" he explains and Fred heaves a sigh of relief that it isn't something else that he had been imagining…

"I'm in!" the twins say together, along with Harry, meaning that the three opposing girls are outnumbered.

"Perfect!" Oliver proclaims, picking up two elves in both hands and throwing them into the six waiting players, Hermione in the crowd horrified. "Let's get practising!"

…

"And this is the Gryffindor team flying out now and it is Wood – brilliant kee- WHAT? Is that _elves_ on the back of his broom?" Lee Jordan is beside himself and unable to continue announcing the players all coming onto the pitch with mini elves on the brooms. Then, of course, there are the fifty or so flying elves with wings (Oliver ran out of money to buy 100 winged ones) out next to the players, all of them searching for the promised chocolate cake after the game…

"Wood!" Professor McGonagall calls the Quidditch captain over. "Is that in the rules that you can have those creatures?" she asks and he nods innocently.

"I read the entire book, miss; you _can_ have elves for there is nothing mentioned in it that you can't!" he proclaims with a grin, flying away with five on his broom to guard the Quidditch hoops.

Lee Jordan manages to recover himself enough to begin commentating the game, but seems to get stuck on the elves rather than the players. "Right, the elf with the _really_ pointy ears is now being thrown at the opposing team member who also has the one with pink hair attacking it… and that's now forty nil to Gryffindor!" he announces, just ask McGonagall pulls the microphone from him to commentate herself. "No, professor, _I_ am commentating!" he moans, just as an elf flies into the box. He grabs it and full on launches it into her face, distracting her by knocking her down about four rows just so he can continue to commentate…

… this, of course, causes outroar but the game is not halted as Lee is thrown out of the booth and Snape continues the commentary, mentioning about five times about how Harry's homework was not up to scratch and that he is now expected to get a T at OWL level… not the best thing but it isn't as bad as what he would have said the other week: how he caught Harry with a lot of used toilet roll hanging out of the back of his trousers.

The game is going well, with only forty of the one hundred elves dead/having fallen to the floor (they aren't sure which option it is) and Gryffindor is winning…

… but then the elves see chocolate cake in the audience.

It's all Ron's fault. He _had_ to keep some cake from dinner last night as he gets hungry in Quidditch matches and it _had_ to be the chocolate cake he kept. But the elves love chocolate cake and if they see it, they get violent.

Suddenly, the remaining elves leave the game, stunning the Quidditch players involved, and swarm around Ron and Hermione, the latter of whom attempts to defend the two of them until twenty strong elves fly with her into the air then drop her from thirty feet. Ron throws his cake at them but he doesn't know that they know that he has another one or two in his bag and jacket… so as he runs, they follow.

Students are thrown everywhere and the only person still focused on the game is Harry; even Snape is now commenting on how idiotic the Gryffindors are for such a stunt and how it is probably 'Potter's idea'…

Dumbledore stands up and shoots a spell to send the elves back to their owner… so they all swarm around Oliver who is then blushing as they chant "We want cake" at him as they pull him down to the ground.

"They were orphaned… I had to buy them!" he explains, just as Harry catches the snitch. "YAY! Gryffindor win!" he yells, the opposite team's supporters in outrage.

"Two new rules to be added to the book," Dumbledore announces, his voice filled with anger. "magical creatures can _never_ be part of games again… and the next person who allows Oliver Wood to make a decision on _his own team_ will be thrown out of this school faster than I can find my wand in a morning… do you understand?"

…

And that is the reason why Oliver gets detention and feeds his elves… who are now his family since Katie dumped him for George as 'he doesn't have elves to look after'.

* * *

**THE END**!

**Thoughts?**

**Lol… I laughed… but I always laugh…**

… **if you read MV, besides you awesome people (*cough*Vitzy*cough*) who have already read 'Elf Army', that's an alternative interpretation of what could happen with another Oliver!**

**But review here, si vous plait!**

**Vicky xx**


End file.
